28 July 2013

I've Never Had So Many Noses in my Crotch in One Day.

So pizza delivery has been fun.  I've been doing it several times a week now, and I've come to notice several things.

1. There are many types of house number styles, but the only ones that really bother me are the ones that are words instead of numbers.  Ain't nobody got time for reading as I drive by trying to find your house.

2. I'm glad it's summer and that school zones aren't in effect.  However, it's summer so that means construction zones are in effect, so now I've become creative at driving places.

3. Some people have cool names.  Like this dude:

Made me think of Vogons from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  Fortunately, I wasn't subjected to a reading of bad poetry when I delivered this.  For anyone who doesn't know what a Vogon is, go read the books now.  Let this be your excuse to read them, as they are awesome.

4. Speed limit signs should be 3 feet square and bright pink.  Even so, I know some would still contrive to 'not see' them, and thus drive 10 or 15 kph under the limit, much to my chagrin. Or even those that drive over the limit (too much), though arguably that's not as dangerously rage-inducing as someone going too slow.

I actually had a discussion one night with a customer at the liquor store about this.  Can't remember if I've mentioned it here before, so bear with me if I have, and skip down to the ~~ symbols.  There's a certain main road in my city where the speed limit is at first 50 kph, and then increases to 60.  A lot of people miss the increase and continue on at 50.  This gentleman came in one night and said that since there's a school zone on this road (there isn't), he always goes 40 kph because everyone else is driving so fast. 

First off, the speed limit in a school zone is 30, not 40.  Second, I did politely tell him that there is no school zone on that road, and I drive it every day so I should know.  I also said that a block away from where he said the school zone was, the limit increases to 60, so if he's doing 40, it's no wonder people are 'driving badly and erratically' around him.  They're so pissed off that he's doing nearly half the limit, they speed off angrily.  He took the news well enough, I think, since I wasn't a massive bitch about it.  I hope he started to go at least 50.


5. Dogs like the smell of pizza.  Apparently they also like the smell of my crotch.  I assure you, I do bathe quite regularly.  This isn't a case of anything unhygienic or disease-related, it's just a dog's friendly way of finding out my recent life and health history.  I read an article about dogs sniffing butts once (don't ask) and it says that's how they tell each other's history, so it makes sense that's what they do with me.  I object, though, because it's rather awkward to stand at a door, pizza in one hand, carrying probably my debit machine, possibly a bag with some pop in it, maybe trying to make change, smile and hand everything over, all whilst being one layer of clothing away from receiving oral sex.  I'm not used to having people watch when that happens, I'm not that much of an exhibitionist.

It's happened quite a lot lately, and it usually causes some degree of embarrassment on the part of the owner, too.  I love dogs, though, and even if they don't attempt cunnilingus, they are usually happy to see me because I've got the tasty smelling boxes of food. I've found that when a dog greets me at the door, on most occasions if I'm happy to see the dog and let it sniff my hand and pet it, people tend to tip me really well.  It creates a bond, perhaps, or maybe they think that if their dog likes me, I can't be all bad.

This weekend was super busy, hence the extra crotch contact, but with the exception of a 3-hour period on Friday night where it was utter insanity, most everything went smoothly.  I have downloaded a new navigation app, though, because Google Maps has a diabolical sense of humour sometimes.  It tells me that a lot of roads don't exist, or gives inaccurate locations of the house numbers.  Once, it was so far off that I ended up out in a farm somewhere, instead of inside the city at an apartment building.  Roads that have been around for 2 years don't show up.  So yeah, we'll see what happens.

15 July 2013

I'm at work, but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

You know it's not a good day when you feel like punching an old lady in the face, in front of your mother, and it's not even noon.

There are certain type of people who think that if a conversation is going on within their earshot, even if it could in no conceivable way involve them at the moment, that they are a part of that conversation and shall interject their opinions whether you like it or not.

Fuck those people.

08 July 2013

Freudian Slip.

I didn't mention it last time, but I quit the restaurant job.  I won't spend too much time going over that here, but let's just say that I wasn't on the 'favourites' list there, so it ended up being miserable for me.  That and remember when I talked about no longer being introverted and being more extroverted now?  That was a lie!  I just want to hide in a corner for a while, have no one bother me, and leave me to my bowls of pudding and LOST rewatches.

I quit the restaurant before my vacation, and then went away on the tenuous hopes that I would have a new job when I got back.  Good news: I did, and I get to be on my own a lot.  Bad news: It's another job that depends even more on tips than being a server.

16 June 2013

I Might Have to Change My Name.

I am gay.  Doubly gay, in fact.  BAM!  Consider me out of the closet!  That wasn't hard at all!  I am now The Fat Gay Ho.

I just went on a well-deserved vacation for eight days.  Seriously, if I hadn't had that time off, I probably would've started stabbing people with sharpened pencils or broken bottles.  I'm not sure how I would've handled this weekend if it hadn't been my first three days back after that much needed rest.  It probably would've involved shanking.

Friday, my first day back, was fine.  Besides forgetting some people's points accounts, figuring out all the new items we had, and what was on sale that week, everything went smoothly despite how busy it was.  Saturday is when things got all gay.  Gayer than this picture:

That's pretty gay.

29 May 2013

28 May 2013

New Guy and the Pizza Girl

After a baby is born, some cultures will not name the child until a certain amount of time has passed.  From what I've read, it seems that most of these waiting periods are specified in local religions, but naming a child has significance in non-religious circles, too.  For example, the Free Folk who live North of the Wall (in GRR Martin's Song of Ice and Fire) will not name their babies for two years after the child is born.  Infants rarely survive that long, especially among the poorer folk, and it's considered bad luck.  Makes you get all attached to the wee beast, which makes it harder when it dies.

I take on a similar sort of sentiment when it comes to new hires at my jobs.  In the hospitality and retail industries, staff turnover can be quite high.  People will take the first job they're offered, and then quit when they get the one they want, or simply quit because they don't end up liking the work.  It's hard to get attached to them, because sometimes you can get along with someone quite well right from the off.  That's probably my favourite thing about my restaurant job right now, I get along well with most of the staff and a lot of us have become friends.  Same thing at the liquor store, even though the staff is smaller, I think that in general, we're all friends, which is pretty awesome.

20 May 2013

The Cashier is Always Right.

I met some wonderful people this weekend and I want to tell you about them.  Even with my jobs, people still amaze me sometimes, in both good and bad ways.  You'd think I'd be super jaded by now, and I won't deny that, but sometimes there are still people who have the capacity to make me go 'Wat.'

 Our first guest today I shall call Squeaker.