16 June 2013

I Might Have to Change My Name.

I am gay.  Doubly gay, in fact.  BAM!  Consider me out of the closet!  That wasn't hard at all!  I am now The Fat Gay Ho.

I just went on a well-deserved vacation for eight days.  Seriously, if I hadn't had that time off, I probably would've started stabbing people with sharpened pencils or broken bottles.  I'm not sure how I would've handled this weekend if it hadn't been my first three days back after that much needed rest.  It probably would've involved shanking.

Friday, my first day back, was fine.  Besides forgetting some people's points accounts, figuring out all the new items we had, and what was on sale that week, everything went smoothly despite how busy it was.  Saturday is when things got all gay.  Gayer than this picture:

That's pretty gay.

Some dude had come in the store and he was one of those types of people that likes to laugh after everything they say, because apparently they are the funniest motherfuckers in the world.  You know those people.  No matter what he said, it was followed by 'Hahaha.'  Even inane statements like, 'I'm fine thanks' became 'I'm fine, thanks, hahaha' as if he alone was privy to the amusement hidden within his state of being.  It was busy when he was there, I'd just gotten on shift and we even had our second till open to handle the amount of customers.

New Guy was on the till to my left, and was helping a customer.  I was on the right hand till and I got to help Laughy McChuckles.  I was multi-tasking like I always do, answering questions and comments of other customers, of New Guy and keeping an eye on the store.  Suffice to say I was far from hanging on Laughy McChuckles's every word, especially since every other word out of his mouth was 'Hahaha.'  He said something, laughed, I responded normally without laughter, and completed his transaction efficiently, like always.

Laughy McChuckles picks up his beer and turns to me and says, 'You're gay.'   I just paused and looked at him, bewildered.

'You guys are gay.  THIS IS THE GAYEST STORE I'VE EVER BEEN IN.  GAY!'  Then he promptly left.

Me, New Guy and New Guy's customer all stopped, looked at each other, and almost simultaneously said, 'What the fuck.'  New Guy and his customer were even more confused than I was.  I honestly don't even remember what Laughy McChuckles had been saying, but it was normal stuff like 'how's your weekend', and all that.  Except for the 'hahaha.'  That was kind of abnormal.

I swear I've probably met Laughy's parents, Mr. and Mrs. McChuckles.  I think at least his dad would qualify for that surname at least.  I think his mom would more likely be called Sourface McBitchypants.  To put it delicately, they were all the same ethnicity, and all had the same unpredictable outbursts seemingly from nowhere.

Several months ago, Mr. McChuckles and Mrs. McBitchypants had been regular customers.  All that changed, however, one night when I asked Mr. McChuckles not to brush his pocket lint - which he had dumped on the counter with his change, and of which there were large clumps - onto the floor.  It was late, I had already swept and mopped, and I tried offering him the garbage can.  He obliged, then asked his wife if she wanted anything, and she said 'No, I don't like shopping somewhere with cranky people.'  Apparently she meant me, because I had the audacity to ask her husband not to leave his gross-who-knows-what-it's-made-of garbage on my floor.  How rude of me.

Anyways.  Saturday.  A few hours pass, New Guy leaves and it's still busy.  A young guy came in, shortly followed by two young ladies.  The guy saunters up to the beer coolers and we have this exchange:

Arrogant Twat: What's the best deal?
Fat Gay Ho: What do you like?
AT: Everything.
FGH: Well, you gotta narrow it down for me a bit, but we do have our little yellow sale signs up that say what things are on sale.
AT: [dripping with condescending sarcasm] Yeah.  I can see that.

I thought to myself, 'whatevs', and waited for him to approach the counter with his choice.

FGH: Do you have your ID there?
AT: Yep.

He hands over this little card.  It's about the size of a business card, has the name of a government centre on it, his picture and his birthday, along with some other info.  Technically, government employee badges are valid forms of ID, provided they have birthday and all that on them.  I looked it up because I was curious; However, whatever government centre this is gives out 'IDs' that look like they were made in someone's basement.  Seriously, it's a home-laminated piece of paper, with a (usually uneven) cutout of the person's picture and their birthday.  I've seen them many times before and I always refuse to accept them based entirely on the fact that I could make one, right here and now in my living room, in about 15 minutes.  I even have some laminating pockets.  It's absurd that anyone would expect me to accept it as ID.  Whenever I deny someone a sale when they present me with one, they are always incredibly rude. Always.  I'm actually thinking of contacting someone at this Centre and asking what the deal is.

FGH: Sorry, I don't accept these, they're not valid ID.
AT: What?!  The guy last time took it!
FGH: No he didn't.
AT: Yes, he did!  I smoked a joint with him!
FGH: Regardless, I'm not accepting it, it looks like you could make it in your basement.  Driver's lic-
AT: Sshhhhhhhh!
FGH: -ence or passp-

I stopped talking and just stared at him, squinting.  He was on his way out, so I picked up the beer and went to take it back to the cooler.  The arrogant twat wasn't finished.

FGH: Bahahahahaha!
Girl in the background: Holy shit, what is wrong with some people?!
FGH: I have no idea, man.
Other girl: Well, I was thinking about applying for a job at a liquor store, but maybe not anymore...
FGH: Yeah, I have to put up with a lot of shit.

The girls came up to pay for their things, and since they looked young, I had to ID them, too.

FGH: Now, I almost hate to do this, but I need to see your IDs as well.
First girl: For sure.  And don't worry, we don't think you're gay.
FGH: Hahaha, thanks.  I don't think I look particularly gay today.

Now.  Let's backtrack to Friday night.  Remember how I said it was smooth?  I lied.  Sorry.  Just after 11pm, there was a slight incident.  Oddly enough, it involved gayness, too.

Some young guy had come in right after I mopped the floor, so I politely warned him it was super wet, on top of there being a wet floor sign out as always.  The guy decided that was the perfect reason to have a Slip 'n' Slide on the floor. Backwards and unbalanced.  Right towards my wall of gin and tequila that probably contains $5000 worth of merchandise, at cost.  I may have shouted at him a little.

Just in time to witness this guy and his demonstration of Darwinism waiting to happen, in walked Kyle, the Lord of Porn.  Mr. Slip 'n' Slide goes over to get some beer at the same time Kyle does, and Mr. Slippy is being kind of snarky.  I had said I would toss him out, and he asked if he'd enjoy it, and I answered with a very strongly spoken, 'No.'  Kyle gave him shit and told him to be nice.  Then, Kyle came up to the counter to pay for his beer, which is called Keystone.  This is relevant in a moment.

Mr. Slippy: Keystone?  Is that what it's called?
Kyle: [dryly] Yes.
Mr. Slippy: I thought it was called Gaystone!!
FGH: HEY.  That's unnecessary!  Don't insult my other customers!

Kyle had paid and wisely decided to wait at the counter to make sure nothing awful would happen.

Mr. Slippy: I didn't mean any offence!
FGH: I don't fuckin care, man!  You can't talk to people like that!  It's offensive.
Mr. Slippy: Sorry, dude, I didn't mean to offend you.
Kyle: I'm not insulted.

Surprisingly, at this point I didn't kick Mr. Slippy out.  He looked very contrite after being chastised by me twice.  He apologized several more times and left quietly.

Really, though.  If you're with friends, and you call your friends gay, I couldn't care less.  That's your dynamic, and it's all good.  I call my brother gay all the time.

But you can't just walk up to someone you don't know and call them gay.  Not that being gay itself is an insult, but it's the insulting that's the problem.  Insulting strangers and being rude to them is not going to be tolerated, and I'm very thankful I work in a store where I can call people out on their bullshit like that.

After Mr. Slippy left, I turned to Kyle and, after a second or two of silence, I laughed a bit.

FGH: You got to see me shout at a customer.  Twice, even!
Kyle: I did.  You don't take any shit, do you?
FGH: Hahaha, nope.  None.

So there you have it.  My first weekend after vacation and I'm already gay.  It was (half) a surprise to me, too.  At least I didn't have to go through all that time wondering if I was gay, of being in the closet and wondering how people would react if they knew.  I'm so gay I shit rainbows.  Clearly I need to go start having sex with some women so I can adjust to my new gayness.


  1. This post made me miss you SO MUCH!! <3 You are fucking fantastic!

  2. I love you and your don't-take-anyone's-shit attitude, and I'm super happy you can fully express that kickass attitude at your job, unlike so many customer-interaction workplaces. Can't wait for the next fun-filled installment of The Fat Gay Ho and the Order of the Awesome!