Golden Showers and Old Jobs From a Different Perspective

This is Rex.

He's huge, probably taller than I am, if he were to stand on his back legs.  The only reason he was sitting still in this picture is because of the treat I was holding out.  My boss is constantly telling me I have to use my 'Angry Voice' when talking to the dogs, because I'm too soft on them and will just let them jump and take the cookies too soon.  I'm practising with Rex, only he gets a little impatient sometimes and then you've got a 200-lb dog lunging at you.  Most times I just drop the cookie into his mouth and back up a step.


One night, his humans decided to give him an off-leash night.  I gather he's quite well behaved except for when he gets close to the Cookie Store, which is what my liquor store's name translates to in Dog.  This one evening, he wasn't misbehaving, but he was just super excited to be off-leash and he was exploring everywhere with urgency.

He was just about to whack some wine bottles with his tail so I knelt beside him and put my arms around him.  And then my leg got all warm.

You know, sometimes I've thought I might have a weird pinched nerve in my left foot, because it will all of a sudden get all warm in one localized spot, making it feel like you just stepped in a warm puddle, or, you know, got peed on.  One day at the restaurant, it happened about every 20 minutes or so for several hours, and I'd start walking funny and have to stare down at my feet just to make sure I, in fact, had not just been stepping in puddles.

Kitchen staff have been known to play tricks like that on each other, as I found out when I used to work in the Back of House years ago.  Fill a little sauce squirt bottle with warm water, casually walk up behind someone, and squirt it all over their leg.  It takes a few seconds for the sensation to register, but by then the perp has run off, cackling maniacally, and you're left with wet trousers with none of the pleasure that usually accompanies squirting and getting completely soaked.

Rex's human had called out, 'Oh, no, he's peeing!' upon noticing that his dog was now either going to have to start wearing Doggie Diapers or claiming me for his own.  I leaned back onto my heels and just shrugged.  I mean, what are you gonna do?  Really, it's just pee.  It's not like he jizzed on me, or something, but even then I can only imagine my reaction would've increased from 'Meh' to somewhere closer to 'Yurgh!'  Maybe a change of clothes so I didn't smell like dog semen all night...

I went and dabbed myself off, and Rex's human mopped up the floor.  No lasting harm done, except for a few jokes.  Rex has been fine, until last night.  He spotted me, started running in place - because his human had a hold of the leash - and then quickly turned in a circle in front of me, all while peeing.  At least it wasn't on me this time.  It might've actually helped the floor, too, considering three bottles of Blueberry Pancake and Glazed Donut liqueurs had been broken on it a few hours earlier.

Yep.  You read that right.  Apparently they taste quite good.

Last summer, before I got a job bartending, I used to work at a movie theatre in town.  Barrel of laughs, that.  I think it ties for being the worst job I ever had.  It could've been a lot of fun, but there were issues where the customers were behaving badly and then had that behaviour reinforced by management.  General stuff like swearing at the staff, screaming and yelling, throwing food and drink, etc.  Suffice to say I was miserable there for a long time before I managed to leave.  Used to find all sorts of things left behind in theatres after the shows, from whole large pizza boxes to cups full of used chewing tobacco, sunflower seed shells spat all over the floor, smeared ketchup, countless foreign candy wrappers, to empty bottles of liquor.

This gentleman comes in tonight, picks up a micky of Jack Daniel's and two 1-litres of Coke.  He's pleasant enough and I greet him, and as he sets his purchases on the counter, we have a conversation.

JD: Yep, getting ready for the movie theatre.
Fat Ho: AH, so you're the one who would leave all the booze bottles behind when I used to work there!
JD: No, no, it wasn't me, I've never been that bad!
Fat Ho: Hahaha, but seriously, it was bad there sometimes.  I was working floor one night and checking tickets.  I didn't want to let these guys in because they'd been drinking, so I called management.  I explained, and one of the guys was escorted out because he could barely stand upright he was so drunk.  They let the other three in.  As long as it's their responsibility, you know.  So I'm doing my closing check before I go home and I see this white thing on the stairs.  I go up carefully and I see it's one of the guys, passed out, upside down on the stairs, shirt over head, his big belly hanging out.  We had to stop the movie and call the paramedics because I thought the guy was choking on his tongue.  The security guard couldn't rouse him, so we had to drag this big, 7 foot tall, 400lb passed out, drunk, native guy out of the theatre.  I've also found empty 26s of vodka and all kinds of food and stuff.
JD: Hahaha, no way. 
Fat Ho: Yah, fun times at that job.  Just make sure to hide the bottles well, or they won't let you in.
JD: Oh, yeah, for sure.  Have a good night!

And so JD left quite amused and on his way to a fun night at the theatre, I guess, which explains the two 1L, instead of one 2L.  They'll hide in a pocket better.

Upcoming blogs: Flirting vs. Normal behaviour and Angry Customer Threatens to Cut My Throat for Telling Him to Behave Properly, and more Fun Times with Terry!